Junk File #9

Oh God, forgive me for whining again, forgive me for not being able to face my problem alone, even I think it isn't a problem, it is just my bad habit of keep thinking about something too seriously..

When I wish I was a different person, I know that it means that I am not grateful for what I've got, not grateful for what You give me until now, and that is absolutely wrong, I knew it God,
but I just need to tell it to "somebody" or maybe "something" in order to make me feel better and relieve..It is about hesitation, it is about non-assertiveness, all things that makes me difficult to truthfully show my reactions or expressions about something..

I wanna be a straightforward person, when I see some of my friends annoyingly doing something, I just wanna scream "shut up" in front of their faces, "shut your mouth!" or something like that, yes it is true, I really wanna do that sometimes, but I just can't, Im afraid it will worsen our relationship, I always want people to look me as a good person, as a "friendly" person, I hate when there's a person who hates me. Yeah, it works btw, I got a lot of friends, I rarely have an enemy, rival, or something, but the downsides? There is rarely a person who really understand me, and I can't really express
myself, sometimes, I just too care of my images from others' view, I don't want to really looks "bad" in other person's view..


I called it the "art" of paraphrasing, which is the way I always use to communicate what I feel or want by telling something indirectly, in order to keep my "good" image haha,but sometimes it backfires me, I can't defend myself properly when everyone's blaming me for a mistake that I didn't do, it is one of the worst feeling you will get when you keeping your "image" good, besides, I rarely get something that I 100% wanted cause I always consider someone else's desire.. but, the good is, by doing that I can always prevent doing something alone, at least I can do it with a friend, yeah that's cool right? hehe..



anyway, it was really not a problem, wasn't it? I know my problem, I know how to solve it, I know what I must do to change it, it is normal, I am sure most of people also know how to solve their problem,, it is just some people really need a support from their family or friends or they just need a place to share their problems, and some other are quite tough to face their problem alone, but Im not that tough, and in
the other side I just embarrased if I tell someone about this, it just makes me look like a 10 years old boy who can't handle his problem himself, then the solution is to write it here where no one will see my expression when I write it hahaha..


" But if you never try you'll never know, Just what you're worth"
- Coldplay, Fix You -